当你还是个孩子的时候,你发生了什么事,每次你想起来都感觉像是对着肠子打了一拳? Janie Wolf 做出了回答

2020-10-21 09:16

What happened to you as a child that feels like a punch to the gut every time you think about it? XVh世界播

当你还是个孩子的时候,你发生了什么事,每次你想起来都感觉像是对着肠子打了一拳?XVh世界播


Answered by: Janie Wolf,Trauma Survivor, Victim Advocate, Truth Speaker XVh世界播

回答者:珍妮·沃尔夫,创伤幸存者,受害者倡导者,真相发言人XVh世界播


It was 1987, I was 12 years old – and pregnant. XVh世界播

那是1987年,我12岁,而且怀孕了。XVh世界播


I had no idea what was going on, no idea that a small life was growing inside me. No idea what was about to happen. XVh世界播

我不知道发生了什么,也不知道我体内正在生长着一种小小的生命。不知道接下来会发生什么。XVh世界播


I would never know who the father of my child was. XVh世界播

我永远不会知道我孩子的父亲是谁。XVh世界播


I am a survivor of incest, sexual exploitation, rape, and child pornography. XVh世界播

我是乱伦、性剥削、强奸和儿童色情的幸存者。XVh世界播


I gave birth on a cool Friday evening in April, to a tiny, beautiful, dark-haired baby girl who I named Grace. She was the first newborn I ever held and I was sure I would break her. I don’t know how far along in pregnancy I was when she was born, but she was very, very small – too small. XVh世界播

四月的一个凉爽的星期五晚上,我生下了一个矮小、美丽、黑发的女婴,我给她取名为格蕾丝(Grace)。她是我抱过的第一个新生儿,我确信我会让她崩溃。我不知道她出生时我怀孕多久了,但她非常非常小--太小了。XVh世界播


Three days after her birth, my sweet Grace died. For three days I had held her, changed her diapers, fed her, taken care of her the best I could. And then she was gone, just like that. Not to be spoken of again for 30 years. XVh世界播

她出生三天后,我亲爱的格蕾丝去世了。三天来,我抱着她,给她换尿布,喂她饭,尽我所能照顾她。然后她就走了,就这样。三十年内都不能再提了。XVh世界播


The story was that I had had “mono” and was out of school for several months while I recovered. I would get my 7th-grade work sent home to complete and be returned to school for me. After Grace died, I was sent back to school, with a story of how sick I had been. Never was I to speak of the real reason I was kept at home. XVh世界播

故事是说,我得了“单核细胞增多症”,在我康复期间,我已经离开学校好几个月了。我会把我七年级的作业送回家完成,然后让我回学校。格蕾丝死后,我被送回学校,讲述了我的病情。我从来没有说过我被关在家里的真正原因。XVh世界播


I lost my child many, many years ago when I was only a child myself. I was so young, and given the circumstances, I never grieved for her. Until now. Now that my father is dead I'm flooded with flashbacks, memories, smells, feelings, and so many other things. XVh世界播

很多很多年前,当我自己还是个孩子的时候,我就失去了我的孩子。我太年轻了,考虑到当时的情况,我从来没有为她难过过。直到现在。现在我父亲去世了,我充斥着闪回、回忆、气味、感觉和许多其他的东西。XVh世界播


I struggle so much with not having anything tangible of hers; nothing I can hold, smell, touch, see, feel. The only memories I have of her are those in my mind. I remember the weight of her tiny body on my chest and the sound of her cries and tiny baby squeaks. I remember her new baby scent and the way that her soft, wispy hair tickled my nose as she slept on me. I remember the way her breathing sounded, fast and strong – and then gone. XVh世界播

我为没有她的任何有形的东西而苦苦挣扎,没有任何东西是我能握住、闻到、摸到、看得见、摸得着的。我对她唯一的记忆就是那些在我脑海里的记忆。我记得她娇小的身体压在我胸口的重量,记得她的哭声和小宝宝的尖叫声。我记得她新来的婴儿气味,记得她睡在我身上时,她柔软、纤细的头发在我鼻子上发痒的样子。我记得她的呼吸听起来又快又有力--然后就消失了。XVh世界播


I am ashamed to admit this, but I didn’t love her. I didn’t know what love was. What was this strange, far-away concept that I had never known? How do you love someone when you have never known the essence of love yourself? It’s like trying to master calculus when you haven’t learned addition. XVh世界播

我不好意思承认这一点,但我并不爱她。我不知道什么是爱。这个我从来不知道的奇怪而遥远的概念是什么?如果你从来不知道爱自己的本质,你怎么去爱一个人呢?这就像在你没有学过加法的情况下试图掌握微积分一样。XVh世界播


Do I love her now? With every fiber of my being, I love her. I still don’t know exactly what this “love” thing means, but I have a better idea now than I ever have before. XVh世界播

我现在爱她了吗?用我生命中的每一根纤维,我都爱她。我仍然不知道“爱”到底是什么意思,但我现在有了一个比以前更好的想法。XVh世界播


I only hope that one day I will be strong enough to tell my whole story, to speak openly about Grace, to encourage and inspire other girls and women to speak up and speak out about sexual abuse, incest, and sexual violence. XVh世界播

我只希望有一天我足够坚强,能够讲述我的全部故事,公开谈论格蕾丝,鼓励和激励其他女孩和妇女站出来,直言不讳地谈论性虐待、乱伦和性暴力。XVh世界播


I have to believe that Grace had a purpose in the very short time she was on this earth, and I have to believe that I have one too. XVh世界播

我必须相信格蕾丝在这个世界上很短的时间里就有了一个目标,我也必须相信我也有一个目标。XVh世界播


ETA: I continue to be so humbled by the outpouring of support from all over the world. Thank you all so much for all of your kind words. I do have a wonderful therapist who is an absolute expert in the field of trauma psychology and has helped me immensely. He has been encouraging me to write a book and tell my story, and I’m considering it. XVh世界播

埃塔:来自世界各地的支持让我继续感到谦卑。非常感谢你们所有的客气话。我确实有一位很棒的治疗师,他是创伤心理学领域的绝对专家,对我帮助很大。他一直鼓励我写一本书,讲述我的故事,我正在考虑这样做。XVh世界播


I have been a court-appointed advocate for abused, neglected, and abandoned children for over 7 years now. Being a voice for the voiceless has been so incredibly rewarding and healing. XVh世界播

7年多来,我一直是法院指定的虐待、忽视和遗弃儿童的倡导者。为无声的人发声是如此令人难以置信的回报和治愈。XVh世界播


I am incredibly fortunate to have a loving, supportive spouse and a family of our own. One day I hope to tell my children about their sister, Grace. XVh世界播

我非常幸运,有一个充满爱心、支持我的配偶,还有一个属于我们自己的家庭。我希望有一天能告诉我的孩子们他们的妹妹格蕾丝的事。XVh世界播


Thank you again for all of the support I’ve received. Sharing my story has been incredibly difficult, but you’ve all made it a little bit easier, and I thank you. XVh世界播

再次感谢您对我的支持。分享我的故事非常困难,但你们让我的故事变得更容易了,我感谢你们。XVh世界播


ETA 4/9/20: It’s been several months since I originally posted my story, and I have found the experience a very healing one. Grace was born on April 17, her birthday is coming up… This is typically a very difficult time for me, and with the pandemic in full-swing, I’m finding it even harder. Reading so many supportive, caring comments here has helped me feel a little less alone, so thank you all. XVh世界播

ETA 4/9/20:自从我最初发布我的故事以来,已经有几个月了,我发现这次经历非常有治愈作用。…出生于4月17日,她的生日马上就要到了。对我来说,这通常是一段非常艰难的时期,随着大流行的全面展开,我发现更难了。在这里读到这么多支持和关心的评论让我感到不那么孤单,所以谢谢大家。XVh世界播


XVh世界播

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