I was cheating on my husband of 18 years with his own friend and after 2 years, my husband caught me. How can I make this go away from his mind and have him forgive me and move forward?
Answered by: Richard Burton
I'm recycling an answer I gave someone else:
You can get forgiven or you can stay married, but not both. You had no respect for him, or your marriage,and even the way you worded your question shows this. Once you are divorced. he can be free to find a quality woman who won't cheat on him; you'll be free to ride the C.C. all you want, and you'll each be happy.
I am not sure if this marriage can be fixed.
I'm guessing that you not only cheated, but you lied to him the whole time. It's the lying in addition to scewing another man that compounds the damage. He now knows that he can't trust you. He can't believe anything you say to him.
Think of how hard it is to be in a relationship with someone like you: You say you're sorry? Maybe you're lying and you're not really sorry.
You say you're not seeing the other man any more?
Maybe you're lying and you're still seeing him and simply hide it better.
You say you're going to the store? Maybe you're lying and sneaking off to see the other man. Or a new other man. Or a dozen.
You say you're hanging out with friends? Maybe you're lying. Maybe you're ducking out to ride the C.C.
You say you love your husband? Maybe you're lying and only saying that because you want a house to stay, food and clothing paid for, a car, insurance, health and dental covered. You would probably say you loved him the same hour you screwed another guy.
You say you want to have sex with him? Maybe you're lying, or pretending your husband is the other man the whole time…… He knows that everything you ever told him “No" to trying in the bedroom , you enthusiastically and cheaply did it with your affair boyfriend, so he probably right now doesn't feel like you deserve any respect from him. You clearly sent him the message that you don't respect him or your marriage. If you believe that sentence I wrote is incorrect, you wouldn't be asking this on Quora. He received the message, loud and clear.
You say your husband is important to you? Maybe you're lying and you're only with your husband because you can't have the other man.
Every single thing you say to your husband, he's thinking one of the above thoughts. Every. Single. Time.
Face it: you destroyed trust. It will take a long, long time of absolute honesty in every aspect of your life before he can trust you again.You think he can get over being cheated on AND learn to trust you? He probably resents you. Him loving YOU was not enough to keep you from cheating, so… ..ask yourself “What WOULD be enough to keep you from cheating?” (Hint: Look internal, not external.)
And let's be real: if he actually stays with you, you will lose even more respect for him. Your respect for him and the marriage was already zero, or else you wouldn't have cheated. That's a tough corner he's been put in: If he forgives you and keeps the marriage, you lose even more respect for him… ..and you WILL cheat again. If he does the right thing and leaves you, maybe you'll start to respect him but lost your marriage. Actually, you lost the marriage when you threw it away to cheat on him.
He didn't do anything wrong, and he got 100% of the punishment.
To fix your marriage: suck it up and be prepared You have NO idea how much he is suffering right now. He isnt the guy you married anymore. He's not the guy you cheated on anymore. That person is dead, and YOU killed him. So get ready to spend YEARS or maybe a lifetime fixing what YOU broke, resulting in the consequences of what YOU did.
Oh, and if your attitude to him is "just get over it" then your marriage has no chance.
Happy to have helped